My Road to Islam

 Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem

I accepted Islam on February 5^th 2002 at the age of 32 although my introduction to this perfect religion was in 1989 at the tender age of 19.

I was raised in a practicing Roman Catholic family. My parents sent me to a private catholic school run by nuns and priests. I was very much involved in my church as I taught choir at the young age of 13 and was always involved in many organizations run by the church.

When it came time for my university studies, I moved away to the big city and was no longer sheltered from the world I grew up in. I met so many different people from different walks of life, different races and most influential, different religions.

Up until that time, I had never heard of the term Muslim and the religion of Islam. During my first week in the big city, I was introduced to many people of this faith. On my first trip back to my parent's home, I went to the church in hopes of asking my well-trusted priest for information about Islam.

His answer : " You know this war going on between Iran and Iraq? This is Islam."

I was confused as all my life I was taught there was only 1 God, so how can our 1 God be the cause of a war? I did not accept my priest's explanation but at the same time I did not search for more details until the following year when I met and agreed to marry a Muslim man.

As I was fully aware that there had to be some differences in our religions, I set out to learn more about Islam as I did not want to offend anybody, and the only way I could guarantee I would not offend anybody was to study Islam in more details.

It soon became apparent to me that my new husband was not a practicing Muslim which for me was more than perfect as I had no intention of ever changing religion and my goal was to raise my children in the Catholic faith. My new husband was not a threat to my religion or my beliefs.

Over 7 years, I continued to learn bits and pieces about Islam. The more I learned, the more I saw myself in my beliefs and actions. There were many times when I felt I was more of a Muslim than my husband. His lack of belief and worship of God really made me mad. We had children and I wanted him to set the right example for them.

During this last year, his lifestyle turned to alcohol and gambling. His greed caused him to get addicted to gambling and then his addiction to gambling brought him to the constant consumption of alcohol. Although I was brought up in a culture where alcohol was a social way of life, this was not the life I wanted for my children.

The day our 3^rd son was born, as our newborn son struggled for his life while his father was out gambling and drinking, this was when I felt I had to make changes in my life and that of my children. I had decided on this day when God had blessed me with my newest miracle that I wanted a divorce.

Although it was my decision to end my marriage, the next few years threw me into a web of problems and depression. I turned myself away from God as I felt so abandoned by him. All my life I had been a good daughter, good student, good wife and good mother. I could not accept and see why God was punishing me so at this time I chose to abandon God as I felt he had abandoned me. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped believing that if you are a good person that you will have a good life. I not only lost faith in God but in people.

During this time, in order to support myself and my family, I was a nurse in the local children's hospital. Little did I know during this troubled time that a dying little girl would save me from the disaster I was making of my life.

I will never forget the small body of my little angel. She was a Somali child who had been born with a congenital disease and her life expectancy was to be less than 1 year. As I cared for her, it was her father's courage and beliefs who touched me so deeply. He was a very strong, dedicated Muslim man who faced ridicule and some harsh comments as he tried to teach those who were around about his religion.

At the time, I did not want to hear about God, but as I felt this father was simply trying to reach out to talk about his dying daughter, I opened my mind to listen to his stories. I thought I was simply being sympathetic towards a man who was about to lose a child. Having 3 sons who were healthy and active, I felt sorry for this man and I felt he needed a friend. Now, I know better. Now, I know that he did not need me but Allah sent him to me because I needed him.

Every day he brought me short literature about Islam and increased my knowledge slowly. But, it was his behavior and his examples that really gave me the best knowledge. As I would give treatments and care for his daughter, I could not avoid seeing him make wudu or pray. During Ramadan, he explained to me the virtues of fasting.

For 9 months, this family made a deep impact on my life. During these 9 months, I would care for this baby and then return to my own family and not thinking about what others were living, I was still living the life of self pity for all I was missing and did not have around me, instead of seeing all the blessings I had in my life.

My awakening came on a calm night when Allah chose it was time to take this little girl back to His Kingdom. I was very close to this little angel by now, so to know she was moments away from death was truly a heart wrenching time for me. As I sat back and watched her family around her, it suddenly hit me that in the 9 months since this little girl had been born I had never heard her father or mother asked why God was doing this to them.

Here they were, facing the death of their innocent child and all I could hear was ALHAMDOLELAH (All praise be to God) we had her… ALHAMDOLELAH Allah gave her to us for this short time…. ALHAMDOLELAH her pain was for a reason. It was at this time, I realized her pain, her suffering all she had lived was her da'wa for me. Without her life, without her death, I would still be angry at God for what He seemed to take away from me.

On this night, when I returned home from my work, for the first time since my son was born and since I chose to divorce my husband, I looked around and truly felt God had not abandoned me, He had blessed me. I was blessed by 3 perfect, healthy sons. I was blessed by being strong enough to walk away from a bad marriage. I was blessed by a job that enabled me to feed, shelter and clothe my family.

This heart touching day was in the summer of 2000, still 2 years before I was finally able to declare my Shehada.

The 2 years following my acceptance of God back into my life were filled with changes and self-discovery. I submerged myself onto the internet where I was seeking more knowledge and advice about Islam.  Slowly I was learning the rituals and basic daily requirements of every Muslim. Through the help of few online friends, I learned how to pray, fast and other ways of living my life.

All my life, I had felt like I did not belong. I felt like I did not fit into the life I was living. After learning more about Islam, I soon realized I did not belong where I was as I truly felt and believed I was a Muslim living amongst Christians.

Although I felt in my heart that Islam was the best religion and that Islam was ME, I still was unable to accept it freely in fear of the  reaction I would face from my family, especially from my father. When I married my husband back in 1991, I can remember the whispers as my family warned me that I was facing a life of brainwashing and harsh treatment. Weeks before my wedding, when my father suffered a heart attack, I was accused of being the cause because God was punishing me and the family for my betrayal by marrying a muslim man. I was even asked to not marry this man and was explained it would be better to just live with him in sin rather than marry a muslim man.

 When I had announced my divorce from this man, I remember the sighs of relief as they were so relieved I had managed to hold on to my true Catholic roots. So, at this time, I was not ready to face my family with the news that I wanted to accept Islam. My dedication to satisfy oiubmand obey my parents kept me from following my true path.

So, when did I change my mind and find the strength to follow my path?

September 11^th, 2001

I will never forget this day as it was so close to home. On September 10^th, I had made the decision that I would come visit Qatar in the hopes of making a life here. I had taken my parents out for breakfast that morning to announce my news. We had just started our meal when the frantic news of what was happening in the US was all over the morning TV news. The echoes of disbelief rang through the restaurant and then the defamation of Islam and Muslims started. This was obviously not the time to announce to my family my plans to become a Muslim and leave Canada.

At the time, I chose to postpone my plans in hopes the assassination attempt on Islam would stop. It was a difficult time in this little community as one of the local member's son was lost amongst the missing people from the 9-11 tragedy. This small community did not want to hear anything about Islam or Muslims.

Then, one night, as I was working a night shift, I was amongst co-workers who were yet again attacking the virtues of Islam and Muslims. I have no idea where my strength came but I objected to what they were saying. I could hear myself speaking and I wanted to stop myself, but my inner voice kept talking. That night I took out books and explained to them what Islam was to the best of my knowledge. That night, I decided that I was not going to keep hiding my beliefs and that I was not going to be afraid to live and seek out my true destiny.

Within 1 month of that night, I was in Qatar taking my official Shehada. The moment I said the words that allowed me to call myself a Muslim, I felt a weight fly off my shoulders. I felt like I could fly. Aside from giving birth to my precious sons, this was the most memorable moment of my life…. Well the 2^nd most memorable… because, almost 1 year after I accepted Islam, I watched in tears as my 2 older sons proclaimed their testimony of faith accepting Islam into their lives.

All the struggles I had faced, all the obstacles I had overcome, this was why. From the moment Allah blessed me with children I had vowed to give them the best life possible and as they became Muslims, I felt I had given them the best gift I could ever give by bringing them into a Muslim community.

The road ahead will still face so many challenges and problems but I know without a doubt that it is all for a very special reason. I no longer feel like Allah abandoned me those years after my first divorce. I now know Allah was preparing me for my new road, my new life.

Inshallah, I will keep growing as a Muslim. Inshallah, I can help or guide a lost soul as the  dying child, her family and even my former husband guided me to Islam.