Where do I belong?

I am having one of those days where I am asking myself where do I belong? Over the last 8 years of living in Qatar, I have often asked myself this. I don’t only ask myself this because I sometimes feel like a fish out of water because of living in another country but my own but I ask myself this more when I return to my homeland of Canada and really feel like a fish drowning out of water.

When I am in Canada, I feel like I have changed too much to be there. Although I am the same person in and out, people do not treat me the same. I can deal with the stares and whispers but I have trouble adapting to the life. I am constantly checking food contents to make sure there are no pork products. I am constantly worried that my sons will fall prey to all the pressures the kids face in Canada. I do say pressure because, as I see it, being a teenager is not an easy thing. Regardless of what you believe sex, alcohol, smoking… these are all very heavy temptations for the youth of Canada.

When in Canada, I often get teased… or I should say that my sons often get teased because they are so innocent… more precisely…. “so green around the gills”. I am actually quite proud of this because I am happy that my sons got to grow up and still maintain their youth and innocence. Kids are forced to grow up way to fast. They are forced to face pressures way too early. So… if it is cause for people to laugh because I still have an innocent 17 year old son… laugh away. I did my job. I allowed my kids to be kids and not grow up too fast. I allowed my kids to stay away from temptation which may cause them to have to grow up too fast. I allowed my kids to just be kids. Even with the fact of having gone through major changes in our life, my sons have managed to gain the sense of responsibility without losing their youth.

The irony me saying that my kids have kept their youth is that here in the Middle East my kids are seen as knowing too much…. Being too old for their age….and why???  Because they come from the West!!!  I can recall a few years back when I was angered and surprised when someone dare to admit she didn’t want her daughters to be around my sons because she didn’t want the boys to do anything to them because “they know too much”. I was deeply insulted as she let her daughters be with other boys the same age but had chosen to discriminate against my sons. It didn’t take me long to realize this was because no matter how well behaved a person is, the fact you are from the West automatically means you are corrupted.

I have faced similar discrimination on many counts. One particular one I can recall was when I was about to deliver my 4^th son. During rounds, there was a group of about 8 doctors in my room (7 women and 1 man). When it came to examine me, the male doctor stepped up and I requested to have a female doctor as I have always had a female doctor. I was astonished when his immediate reply was… ‘Well you are Canadian!!!!”  Huh???? Did he insinuate that because I was Canadian that I felt comfortable in letting any man check out my privates? Although it was plain as daylight that I was Muslim, this fact was completely forgotten as he assumed because I was Canadian that I would not care if he examined me…. I DID CARE!! …and I know he would have never made this assumption with a woman of any other nationality who was not westerner.

Over the years, I have encountered many experiences that have made have to define myself as a woman and a muslim. On a few occasions I was told that “You are not a real Muslim”. Whenever this happened I would be thrown backwards wondering what was meant by it. In the beginning, this type of comment would bring me to tears. No matter how hard I tried, the deeper I got involved in Islam… the bigger my faith grew… the more knowledge I gained… the more I was told… YOU ARE NOT  A REAL MUSLIM. You were not born muslim so you are not a real muslim. Then 1 day, I was suddenly hit with a brain wave… who is a real muslim????? The greatest people who followed the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) must not have been real muslims neither then… as they were all reverts… just like me…. Right?????? Or maybe.. I was not a real muslim because I was this white faced westerner who was learning more about their religion and they were intimated by me. Who knows?? Although I tried not to let it affect me, it did because no matter how hard I tried, I realized it would never be good enough to be accepted amongst some of these people. No matter how long it has been since I have been muslim, I will always be seen as the convert from Canada and not the Muslimah that I am…… and all this causing me to ask myself yet again…. “Where do I belong?”

I live in a country that does not allow us to stay here without a job as you need a sponsor to be here. No matter how hard I try to make this home, at any moment, we can be told sorry you have to leave. Where do I go after this? Where do I belong?

I will always be Canadian at heart. I miss Canada. I miss my family.. but the person I am today could not live in Canada now as the way I live, the way I think has changed. I cannot see myself putting my sons through the pressures of being a teenager in Canada. I love going to visit my parents who have been more than supportive but in the end, I am a visitor and I look forward to coming home. I look forward to being somewhere where I will hear the athan (call to prayer) 5 times a day to remind me to pray. I look forward to going out wearing my hejab and not being stared at because I look different. I look forward to just living without trying to avoid pork or alcohol.

Although I look forward to coming back to Qatar… where I am trying to make it feel like it is home, I cannot deny that I am often made to feel like I do not belong here neither.

So again I ask…. Where do I belong?

About 20 years ago I recall very vividly as I stated I would NEVER leave Canada and I would never change my religion. I can actually eat my words now and I will never say that I will never do anything again.

So… to answer where do I belong? I will trust in Allah and allow Him to guide me. I will go where my road takes me and try to fit in the best I can. I am blessed with great sons and a supportive husband so I can only answer that I belong wherever they are.

Home is where the heart is… so I will follow my heart which is filled with eeman (faith) and love and follow it wherever it will have to go.

All Thanks be to ALLAH (Alhamdolellah)