In 7 days I am taking 1 big jump back into a past life... the one i left 5 years ago when i came to the Middle East with all the new dreams and goals. I remember it like it was yesterday as i faced so many people telling me I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life.
So were they right? I dont think so. Actually I dont regret any of the decision I have made even though the outcome was far from what I expected. For the first time in my life, I jumped out of the bubble i was living in and ran after a dream.... so how can i regret that? But my family back home won't see it that way... so i must prepare myself for "i told you so's" and "when are u coming back to your senses and coming home?"
Every day I face mental and spiritual preparations as i prepare myself to face them...and to face alot of the hurt i left behind.
Yes.... looking back may hurt.... but also.... it may help us prevent future hurt as well. I wish i had a fairy god mother to wave her magic wand or look in her crystal ball to guide me in the right way. However, I have much better... I have GOD and...i trust in the path He has for me although i will admit, I am scared of the unknown.... scared to live without what my heart desires.... but more so.... scared to let my heart live to love again. I know... I am contradicting myself. I want to love... but i am too scared to love. Maybe Dr. Phil can help me on this one.
Anyhow, even if nobody is reading this... thank you yahoo for letting me express myself freely.
Peace and Blessing of ALLAH (God) to all
Lynn
Entry for April 12, 2010
To stop dreaming is to stop living... this was my motto...and I was about to stop dreaming.Just when I thought I could not take anymore disappointments, I was faced with yet more obstacles and heartache. I had truly felt like I hit my all time low but then I quickly learned the real meaning of the phrase : "After hardship comes Ease"
For the past few years confusion was my best friend. Although I knew what I was aiming for, I was thrown so many curve balls that I had no idea what direction to take. The answers came to me after I feel and fractured my elbow. For a single mom of 4, living in a foreign country with no family, this was enough to break me... but it didnt. It made me finally see what was happening around me...and what i needed to do.
As they say you truly learn alot about people around you when you face troubles...and that i did. I quickly learned about others and about myself. I also learned that sometimes what we are searching for is right under our own noses. I looked deep within myself to find just what i had been seeking all my life. I found myself... I found that unless I loved myself for who I am then I could never accept the love of another.
Alhamdolellah (all praise be to God) I found myself...and then I found the love I had been seeking. I never truly realized that the 1 person who was always there listening to me talk about my dreams... offering words of wisdom when I was crying over another heartache ... the one who just sat there quietly hoping I would notice him would be the answer to all my dreams....and he was... he is.
I was blessed to finally realize this after praying to God and asking HIM to guide me. I am sure I have hurt others by my sudden decision and more then sudden disappearance but this was out of my control. I ask forgiveness for the hurt I may have caused but at the same time, I know I did the right decision as in the end... until I loved myself, I could have never loved another....and now I do love myself... I love the person my best friend has allowed me to get to know in myself... I love the person I see in myself when I look at myself through his eyes... and loving myself only makes me love him more.
I thank God Almighty for everything... the hardships.... the triumphs..... but most of all.... for allowing me to live and grow as a person.
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